All It Took Was 2,500 Miles and a Blogging Conference

Obviously I have lost my blogging mojo.  I haven't written since March and to be honest I haven't missed it at all.  OK, that isn't true.  Every so often I think, "Man I really need to write," but then it doesn't happen and I don't think about it for another few weeks.  I have things to say, don't get me wrong but suddenly I am very protective of what I write about.  I did a little stint over at SiliconValleyMamas.com and that was good for a bit but it has been nagging at me recently.

I traveled 2,500 miles yesterday to Atlanta for BlogHer Food.  I am not here for fun, I am here for work and while I was sort of dreading coming, I am loving it.  Yes, I have loved the conference which I will get to in another post (probably in a few months, heh heh) but I have realized so much about ME.

This is the first time I have left LG for an extended period of time with someone other than her dad.  That has been incredibly hard for me because I know that when she is with him, he has help and he knows what to do.  Leaving her with my mom for 4 days was more work for me but it was also good for me.  As many of you know, I can be pretty controlling and to give up complete control to someone other than her dad is AMAZINGLY HARD for me.  That has been a big step for me BUT when I got out of the car at the airport I realized that it was out of my control and I let it go.  I LET IT GO!  Holy shit, that is HUGE for me.
Then I traveled 2,500 miles alone....no child, no husband....just me.  I cried on the plane.  It is a very weird space for me to not have a family anymore and every so often it hits me and it makes me sad.  I had a journal with me so I decided to write.  This time I just let the words flow....no post in mind, nothing to accomplish....just write.  Over the course of the past 24 hours I have realized so much about myself.....

I am an amazing mother.  I love LG with every ounce of my being and I want only the most amazing life for her and will stop at nothing to get it.  One of the reasons I left my marriage is because I wasn't happy with the woman I had become.  I want my daughter to be happy.  That doesn't mean I don't want her to experience life's bumps but I don't want her to settle.  Life is too short to be unhappy and I want her to know that.  I am not saying that all the choices I have made are right but at the end of my life I hope she knows why I chose them.

I am comfortable with the woman I am.  I, like an any other woman, would love to lose a few pounds but I am INCREDIBLY comfortable in my own skin which is something I have NEVER been able to say.  I am me and I make no apologies.  I am smart.  I am foulmouthed.  I have learned what it is to be a good friend which has been so hard for me.  I can drink with the best of them and will spend the whole night dancing my ass off. I don't need a man to validate me but I love having one.  I am flawed.  I have baggage but I have learned from my mistakes.  I am not sure that I ever need to be married again as long as someone loves me with everything they have. I can be jealous. I will love you with my whole heart if you will let me. I am open and honest and if you want to know what I really think, just ask.

So yes, I have only been gone 24 hours but I would say this is the best trip I have ever taken.

Comments

  1. Jill ShepherdMay 23, 2011 at 11:53 AM

    It was so great to meet you at BHF11. Good for you for stepping out. As a mom of 4, I know how hard it is to leave your baby. Best wishes as you get your spiritual and literary voices back.

    ReplyDelete

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