Like Sands Through An Hourglass
2010 is slowly dropping away and I couldn't be more happy. My door is open and I am ushering it out because it was a pretty shitty year.
It has taken me about 6 months to realize that I can't get through this divorce alone. I need some help in dealing with my feelings. I went back to therapy and holy cow after one session I feel better. I have been told before that I do a great job of beating myself up but I didn't realize just how good at it I have become.
Apparently when someone withholds sex and intimacy from you for 5+ years, it is a form of abuse. That is exactly how I feel. I have little self esteem because the person I love most hurt me in the deepest way possible. He fucked with my self confidence and who I am at my core. I don't see myself as beautiful or worthy. I am truly a shell of who I used to be. The best part of being at the bottom is that there is no where to go but up.
Of course, I have responsibility in the breakdown of our marriage but I have already admitted that over and over. And over for that matter.
This past year has been a tremendous growing experience for me. I am stronger and happier in many ways than I have ever been before. I realize now that it may take me years to be completely healed. I know that I have to lean on my true friends for help. The ones that have accepted my apologies, the ones that have let go of the past and helped me to be a better friend. The ones who let me sob when I learn that my ex has a girlfriend and I can't seem to take one step forward to get to that place. The one who remind how miserable I was and that they have never seen my so happy during the worst year of my life. Those are the people I need in my corner.
For now, I don't need a man in my life. I need me or should I say, I need to find me. It is going to be an amazing year. I am done talking about my marriage, it is over and there is no going back. When I shut the door on 2010 I shut the door on talking about it. That doesn't mean that I won't probably bitch every now and then about how hard it is to have a life when you have 80% custody or how terribly sad I will probably be when the divorce is final in March. What it does mean is that I know the truth about what happened in my marriage and all the people who seem to think that my marriage ended because of the things I did are so completely wrong that it no longer justifies me defending myself.
Bring it on 2011!!!
It has taken me about 6 months to realize that I can't get through this divorce alone. I need some help in dealing with my feelings. I went back to therapy and holy cow after one session I feel better. I have been told before that I do a great job of beating myself up but I didn't realize just how good at it I have become.
Apparently when someone withholds sex and intimacy from you for 5+ years, it is a form of abuse. That is exactly how I feel. I have little self esteem because the person I love most hurt me in the deepest way possible. He fucked with my self confidence and who I am at my core. I don't see myself as beautiful or worthy. I am truly a shell of who I used to be. The best part of being at the bottom is that there is no where to go but up.
Of course, I have responsibility in the breakdown of our marriage but I have already admitted that over and over. And over for that matter.
This past year has been a tremendous growing experience for me. I am stronger and happier in many ways than I have ever been before. I realize now that it may take me years to be completely healed. I know that I have to lean on my true friends for help. The ones that have accepted my apologies, the ones that have let go of the past and helped me to be a better friend. The ones who let me sob when I learn that my ex has a girlfriend and I can't seem to take one step forward to get to that place. The one who remind how miserable I was and that they have never seen my so happy during the worst year of my life. Those are the people I need in my corner.
For now, I don't need a man in my life. I need me or should I say, I need to find me. It is going to be an amazing year. I am done talking about my marriage, it is over and there is no going back. When I shut the door on 2010 I shut the door on talking about it. That doesn't mean that I won't probably bitch every now and then about how hard it is to have a life when you have 80% custody or how terribly sad I will probably be when the divorce is final in March. What it does mean is that I know the truth about what happened in my marriage and all the people who seem to think that my marriage ended because of the things I did are so completely wrong that it no longer justifies me defending myself.
Bring it on 2011!!!
WOOOOOO!!!!!! This is the best post ever!!!!
ReplyDeleteI don't know you, but you sound awesome. The right kind of therapist can help you distance yourself, look at your patterns, and help you change those patterns. Sounds like you're doing a great job already. Have a great 2011. And remember: joy is the best revenge!
ReplyDelete