I Get So Emotional Baby

I am not really good about posting because I feel like such a downer.  I am having a really hard time.  I miss my friends.  I feel like some of them have turned their backs on me.  This probably isn't the case, they have lives and kids, etc. but it just feel sometimes like sides have been chosen, or people are afraid it will look like they are choosing sides.

I started this post a few days ago.  I had to walk away from it and do some thinking.  I realize now that I have shut out some of my friends, it hasn't all been the reverse.  In fact, I have probably been the one to shut down and haven't even realized it.

This is gonna be long because who knows when the words will flow again....

I am barely keeping my head above water.  Job searching SUCKS.  There is nothing out there teaching wise so I am having to explore other options in which I don't have as much experience or it has been a LONG time since I worked in that arena.  It will happen, but patience is not my thing.

I took a HUGE step forward in my process the other day with my husband.  I told the truth.  All of it.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  The thing is, I am not a liar.  The truth always comes out!  My mother actually pointed this out to me the other day and she is so right.  Being a liar has been KILLING ME.  I have been having panic attacks and just horrible, paralyzing fear.  Coming clean was the only way to clean out my closet and find ME in it's depths.  The instant I was done, a 20 lb elephant was lifted off my chest.  I have cried more in the last 3 days than I have in a long but they have been cleansing cries and those I have needed.

My house apartment is still amazing.  When my mom came at Christmas she said something like, "I hope in your new place you are going to be a better house keeper."  I wanted to punch her because SERIOUSLY?!?  She was right though.  I didn't respect where I lived and therefor I didn't take care of it very well.  I LOVE my home and I think it shows.

I vacuum several times a week.  I clean the kitchen and try to keep up on the clutter in there.  I dust all the time.  I pick up things and put things away when I am done with them.  I still hate folding the clothes and often have a pile somewhere....I guess that one might never change....you can't have it all.  Ashley is in the mix now too!  She puts her dished in the dishwasher or sink.  She helps pick up her things which is nice.

The best part?  I have been giving myself the gift of flowers every week!  I buy myself a bouquet of flowers every week to have on the table.  It makes me happy and every little bit counts.

Ashley is still doing really well.  She still has some major meltdowns and so do I.  There have been days when I have been so upset that I am at the breaking point.  The issue is that I push her too far.  I know when she is going to be overly tired and yet I still give in.  I really need to stop doing that for both of us.  She will be heading to Kindergarten in the fall and she can't wait.  She asks everyday when Kinder starts and when she can go to her new school and wear her new uniform.  I am thrilled that she is so excited!!!!

Overall, I would say that we are doing really well.  There are still ups and downs but there will always be ups and downs.  I miss lots of you and would love to hear from some of you!