Mama's Starting Over

LG was with her dad this weekend.  Most people would think I would be THRILLED with time to myself and in many ways I am.  I sleep until 8 which is unheard of in my world.  I watch whatever I want.  I just do whatever I want, when I want. I try to make plans with friends but I am trying to not spend too much money.  Also, most of my friends are married and the weekend is family time.  I get it, but sometimes it makes me sad. This weekend I watched 3 movies.  My husband wasn't a movie watcher therefore there are many movies that I never saw.  If you haven't heard of Red Box you must check them out.  For only $1 a night you can rent tons of titles.  The boxes are at grocery stores, outside 7-11's, etc.  They are awesome! This weekend I watched Revolutionary Road , Four Christmases and Sunshine Cleaning .  I don't really recommend Revolutionary Road if you are trying to figure out your marriage.  It shows only the dow...

The past two weeks have been a blur.  First was our trip to Michigan which is always great but always goes too fast.  The good news is that this time I was able to get some time away from LG and spend time with my cousins.  I always find it hard to do that because it can be overwhelming to LG to be without me. This time, I just did it.  I realized that sometimes I need to just do things for myself and that she would be just fine with my dad.  I am ultra sensitive to her right now but although she seems to be doing great, I am waiting for the ball to drop at any moment. Time with the cousins was great.  The youngest is 22 and then I am 35 so we have a good age span.  It is fun to hear about life at 22 again!  Lisa, Nick and Brett--I love you guys more than you will evah know!

Today is a down day....BIG TIME.  Not only did Ashley crack my computer screen but I didn't get a sub job and Husband and I had a big fight over money.  I think we are at the end of the road.  This has been a really hard night for me. I feel like a failure.  I failed at marriage. I had 5001 things to say about this a few minutes ago, but right now, I just need to cry.

I am not sure I will get to take a deep breath and fully exhale for many months, but I am hoping to be able to exhale a baby amount soon.  This will be the first month that I will actually have some income...AMEN!  I have gone over my finances many, many times but I have never had a working budget.  What that means is that I have budgeted before but I have NEVER stuck to it. Yesterday I signed up for Mint.com .  First of all, it's free and if it ain't free, I ain't signing up!  You can link your Mint account to all your bank accounts and credit card accounts.  It downloads all your info. and then gives you ideas on how to budget or areas that you could save. It does so much more than that but Mint isn't paying me to pimp them! I am praying that it helps me. Tomorrow I have an interview for a long term sub job.  I am also praying about that and if you pray and could throw my name out there I would appreciate it!  It isn't ideal since I am not s...

I am a lucky, lucky girl.  Mostly I am lucky because I have parents who have stepped in and are taking care of Ashley and I in this transition.  Of course, my husband is helping too but we live in Silicon Valley and like most families there isn't enough to totally support our separation.  I want to make it clear that he is supporting Ashley completely and would never take that away. As this month has unfolded more and more things have come up that I never thought about.  The biggest has been a lapse in our insurance.  I, of course, got sick in the beginning of January and need two prescriptions filled to the tune of $208.  F$%^!!!!  There are the day to day things that you forget about too and they all start to add up. I have had to be very resourceful in making ends meet because while I could call mommy and daddy and they would send me money, there comes a point in life where I MUST stop doing that.  I have sold some of things I have gotten a...

Part of this process for me is counting my blessings.  Yes, this phase is lonely.  Yes, I am poor financially but I am very rich in the heart. I have reached out to friends that I have lost track of over the years and welcomed them back into my life.  I have gone back to church and am hoping to meet more friends that way.  I have made some friends that aren't married so I am not always the only "single one."  I am surrounded by love. More than just having an abundance of friends is the abundance of love I feel.  Many of my girlfriends have stepped up to the plate and are helping me learn to budget (Princess ALERT over here!), showing me new places to look for jobs and cheering me on along the way.  They are amazing for bouncing ideas off of and are just great at listening.  They are even great at holding their opinions when I talk about trying to make my marriage work, simply pointing out the pros and cons. Last Friday night I was supposed ...

This being alone thing is weird.  In some ways, I don't feel different than I did in my marriage.  My husband traveled a lot and I was alone much of the time during the day.  At least being married, I had someone to talk to in the evenings.  We may have not said much but being able to just talk is one thing I miss.  Yes, I can pick up the phone, but it is different. I think what is missing is family.  I have TONS of friends.  They talk when I need to talk, they let me cry when I need to (which is less frequent these days....WOOT!), they let me bitch, etc.  I don't really turn into the red nose dripping, sobbing little girl that I need to be some days.  I really need my mom or dad to just be here so I can curl up in their laps and sob.  I need them to tell me that I am going to be ok and that while this is going to take some time in the end I will be a better woman.  Of course, they do tell me that but I just wish they were HERE te...