Stop The Ride Please

Every day I sit down and open a new post and start writing.  Actually, I stare at the screen and can't even start.  I don't even know where to start.  I want to pour out my heart but I am tired of doing that.

I have made many mistakes in the past.  I have tried to make them right, but I can only do so much.  I have apologized and reached out to the people I have want to make things right with, but it hasn't worked.  How many times can you reach out and apologize? At some point you just have to realize that you have done all you can and let it go.

I am learning.  This whole divorce is a process.  When I look back, I realize this is about so much more than divorce.  I am learning about myself.  It is really hard.  It is hard to look in the mirror and not love what you see.  Yes there are things about myself that I love but I wish I could love the whole picture.

I love that I am a great mother.  I know down to my toes that I am an amazing mom who would do absolutely anything for my daughter.  I would give up any chance at a new life to have her here with me nearly every night so that she has the most stable situation.  She is first, ALWAYS.

I love that I am figuring out how to be a great friend.  Even when I want to crawl back in my hole and not reach out I push myself.  No matter how much time as passed and I feel like it is too late, I try.  That isn't like me, but I am trying.

The biggest thing is that I am trying to validate myself.  I have, for way too long, left my validation up to others.  That isn't the way it should be.  I need to love myself before anyone else can truly love me.

I am learning but gosh, it sucks.

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