The Final Chapter
The final chapter on my 9 year marriage is being written. My husband and I filed for divorce on Thursday. This has been a hard week for me in ways that I really can't explain. I think it has been really hard for people to understand why I am upset, since I was the one to move out, etc. I wish I could answer that.
This week has also been tough because people that I really thought were friends, aren't. I don't know if it is choosing sides, taking a stand or whatever. No matter what it is, it hurts and I hope they never have to feel something like that.
Getting a divorce is never what I wanted. I had really hoped that both of us could make the changes we were both asking for. In the end it didn't happen. I have spent a lot of time just thinking this week. There are some things that I know for sure:
1. I loved my husband dearly. In fact, I still love him. I know this because I cried when we filed our papers, I cried when something happened between us this week that I didn't expect, who am I kidding...I cry a lot these days. I think if I didn't love him these things might not effect me the same way. I will always love him no matter what. He gave me 16 years of his life and we created the most amazing little girl. When the time comes for someone new to enter my life, they are going to have to know that there is a place in my heart for him always.
2. I wish I would have been a better communicator. While I felt like I was adequately expressing my feelings, I am not sure that I did. I should have taken a stand much early and insisted we go to counseling. Instead I pushed things down, turned to other people for support and attention making things much worse.
3. No one knows the real story except my husband and I. Some may say, "You gave her everything" or "You did everything for him." Truthfully, that isn't correct obviously or we wouldn't be at this point. Maybe from your vantage point I was an amazing wife, but I wasn't and you didn't live in my marriage so you really have no idea.
4. LG is our main priority. Our custody plan will be going to 50/50 in the next month or so. This has been really hard for me to deal with but it is what's right.
Everything else is a moving target for me. Some say there is still a chance we can work it out, I guess never say never.
I have no clue what direction this blog will go in. I guess for now, it will be my life as a single parent. I want to keep writing because I get a lot out it, including some money. I know that my blogging in the past has hurt my family and I don't want it to be like that anymore. I guess it will take shape as I go....another moving target.
This week has also been tough because people that I really thought were friends, aren't. I don't know if it is choosing sides, taking a stand or whatever. No matter what it is, it hurts and I hope they never have to feel something like that.
Getting a divorce is never what I wanted. I had really hoped that both of us could make the changes we were both asking for. In the end it didn't happen. I have spent a lot of time just thinking this week. There are some things that I know for sure:
1. I loved my husband dearly. In fact, I still love him. I know this because I cried when we filed our papers, I cried when something happened between us this week that I didn't expect, who am I kidding...I cry a lot these days. I think if I didn't love him these things might not effect me the same way. I will always love him no matter what. He gave me 16 years of his life and we created the most amazing little girl. When the time comes for someone new to enter my life, they are going to have to know that there is a place in my heart for him always.
2. I wish I would have been a better communicator. While I felt like I was adequately expressing my feelings, I am not sure that I did. I should have taken a stand much early and insisted we go to counseling. Instead I pushed things down, turned to other people for support and attention making things much worse.
3. No one knows the real story except my husband and I. Some may say, "You gave her everything" or "You did everything for him." Truthfully, that isn't correct obviously or we wouldn't be at this point. Maybe from your vantage point I was an amazing wife, but I wasn't and you didn't live in my marriage so you really have no idea.
4. LG is our main priority. Our custody plan will be going to 50/50 in the next month or so. This has been really hard for me to deal with but it is what's right.
Everything else is a moving target for me. Some say there is still a chance we can work it out, I guess never say never.
I have no clue what direction this blog will go in. I guess for now, it will be my life as a single parent. I want to keep writing because I get a lot out it, including some money. I know that my blogging in the past has hurt my family and I don't want it to be like that anymore. I guess it will take shape as I go....another moving target.
Hang in there, I am sorry that you are going through such a hard time and that people are choosing sides. You are so right, no one can judge your marriage as they didn't live it. Only you and your husband can really know what worked and what didn't for each of you. Everyone makes mistakes and nobody's perfect. There are always two perspectives in every situation...take car, Angela
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and hoping nothing but the best for you and all of you in the future. We are here for you! Love, the YFs.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. LG has a great momma!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and hope things get bette for you each day. It must be hard. I'm also at the crossroad in my marriage and I'm having a hard time deciding what to do - to stay for the kids would lead to an unhappy me and to be separated would be hard for the kids and the financial burden...you're a great mom!
ReplyDeletei am sorry for what happened. i know it is really hard even i am not married yet. hope you can stay strong, at least for your children.
ReplyDeleteafter all, anything happened for a reason, right