Babies

For some reason this has been a really tough 2 weeks.  I know some of the reasons why but other reasons escape me.

Yesterday while in Target, I cried in the baby section.  Not really cried, but just teared up.  I hate that Ashley doesn't have a sibling.  Every where I turn I see people with 2 or more kids and it makes me sad.  Sad for me.  Sad for Ashley.

It also makes me sad to think there is a chance I won't have more kids.  I am 36 so time is quickly ticking away.  Apparently, people have been afraid to tell me they were pregnant with #2 because they knew it would upset me.  Of course, it makes me sad but never have I not be thrilled for people.  That is very far from the truth.  Sadly some of the people who have said that about me are people who had the exact same reaction as me at some point.  My only thought is....put yourself in my shoes. 

If you had a friend who couldn't get pregnant she would be happy for you to be pregnant but of course sad that it isn't her.  This is the same thing.  I have always wanted multiple kids since I was an only child.  I used to want 4 but I am over that now since my one has been so tough for me! 

It is hard to have people talk behind your back and have it get back to you but I am learning to deal with it.  Sadly, a lot of things could be clarified if people just asked.  I also know that if people really put themselves in my shoes they could understand my feelings.

Comments

  1. MeredithJuly 20, 2010 at 4:55 PM

    Hi - I think I found your blog through a mutual friend (Jessica) but not sure. I am going through something similar but not in regards to number of kids (I have 2 - a 5 yo boy and 18 month girl). My mother died 2 months ago. We had moved from CA back to my home state of MA so my parents could help and my kids could grow up being close to a set of grandparents. Of the 4 grandparents, my mom was the youngest, most active, most engaged, and loving grandparent. My husband's parents are very ill and very far away and my dad is not very good at grandparenting. Turns out my mom had a brain tumor that had been growing for years and years undetected and bam, within a few months of showing symptoms was dead.

    We don't have a lot of family and now my kids, who have no first cousins, a very inactive uncle, an aunt married to a sociopath, now have no grandparents really. Wherever I go and whoever I socialize with who have kids all have hands on parents who babysit the kids and do things with them and there are my two kids who don't have this and never will. It kills me.

    I know a lot of people have alive and well parents and I am happy for them because having a beloved parent die sucks but I cannot stand all the talk about how the grandparents are taking the kids for the night or how the grandparents are doing this and that because it always reminds me of what is not - and ways that I am failing my children.

    Sure, it might not even make sense - it isn't like I failed my kids - cancer failed them. But, I get it, I get what you are going through. It sucks and I am sorry.

    ReplyDelete

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